Well Meaning Genie Jokes

definitive internet genie joke book
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Pianist  |  The Lighter  |  The Ostrich

The Pianist

A man wandered into a bar one day. He had the world around his neck, and he was looking to crawl into a whisky bottle and stay there. After a couple of doubles, he slowed down a little, and looked up. He had half heard the piano playing, but had not realised who was playing it...

There, on a table, was a tiny piano, with a tiny piano player to match; no more than a foot tall. Forgetting his own problems, he wandered over and stood spellbound until the music stopped. Then, shaking his head in disbelief, he returned to the bar and called the barman

"Hey, where did you get that piano player?" he asked, and got back a poisoned glare.

"Aw, c'mon, there has to be a story here.."

"There is," says the barman "and I'm sick of telling it. I was down on the beach one day, and I shuffled into the sand to get more comfortable. Place was full of rubbish and I turned up this old brass lamp. I rubbed it, thinking there might be a date or inscription or something. Anyway, out comes this cloud of smoke and a Genie appears... you know, turban, scimitar ... the whole works. And he tells me I've got just one wish."

"Well? what did you wish for?"

"I'll tell you this," snarled the barman " I did not wish for a 12 inch pianist"

The Lighter

Two guys are walking down the street one winter day talking and laughing. As they’re talking, one of the guys pulls out an enormous lighter, lights his cigarette and keeps talking.

The other guy says "Man, that is the biggest lighter I have ever seen in my life, you gotta tell me where you got it"

The guy draws deeply on his cigarette, puts away the lighter and says, "I’ve got a Genie."

"A Real Genie?" says the friend, "and you never told me? Do you think I could have just one little wish?"

The guy looks embarassed and finally says, very hesitantly, "Well, I don't see why not," and with that, proceeds to pull out a miniature bottle from his coat pocket.

Wasting no time, the friend immediately starts his wish "I wish I had one-million bucks right now," and poof! The sky grows instantly dark with the shadow of one million ducks flying high in the sky.

"What happened? I asked for one million bucks, not ducks"

"Oh," says the guy "I forgot to tell you, my Genie is a little hard of hearing. Do you really think I wished for a twelve inch Bic?"


The Ostrich

One day last spring, after the lunchtime rush, a fellow came into the bar with a cat: not just any cat, but a mean-lookin' ginger tom. You could see the scars across the room. But that wasn't the weirdest thing - the ostrich was. Six foot tall, eyes like golf balls, a real live ostrich.

I asked the man what he wanted; "I'll have a pint of bitter", he said "a pint of lager for the ostrich and a gin and tonic..." The cat hissed at him "... a double gin and tonic for the cat. Thanks"

Well, I served the drinks, he paid, and they all knocked 'em back. Wasn't long before the ostrich came back to the bar, and made it clear that he ... could have been a she, how do I know? ... wanted the same again. Well I poured them. I could feel the cats eyes burning through me, as if he was checking that he got his double again. I took the drinks over to them, and the man paid, taking the cash from a purse tied round the ostrich's neck.

This carried on for a couple of hours. The man and the ostrich buying alternate rounds, the cat just sat on the window shelf with his drink, looking fit to kill.

The whole place got quiet - well, people sort of sat and stared, and who can blame them? Anyway, eventually, I plucked up the courage to ask the fellow what was going on.

"Can't a man have a quiet drink anymore?" he rasped, so I said, no harm meant, but you got to admit you're a unique set of drinkers. He smiled, but there was no light in that smile.

"Okay, you want to know? I'll tell you.

I was across town the other week, working on the new road. Place was full of rubbish and I turned up this old brass lamp. I rubbed it, thinking there might be a date or inscription or something. Anyway, out comes this cloud of smoke and a Genie appears... you know, turban, scimitar ... the whole works. And he tells me I've got just one wish."

"And before you ask, yes, I did wish for a long legged bird with a tight pussy - but animals wasn't what I had in mind."

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