Unprintable Genie Jokes
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These could not be rewritten without losing the point:
Threesome | Golfing Genie | Legal Difficulty | Bless Me! | IRS | Feminine Side | Pinhead | Johnny's Genie | Redneck | Cork in it | Be Specific | Like a Horse | Bill's Lucky Day | Concentrate | Out on a Limb | Vodka
"Master, I may grant you one wish," she says with a smile.
"Don't you know who I am, bitch? I don't need no woman to give me nothin", yells Dennis.
The genie pleads with him, "But Master! I must grant you one wish or go back to the bottle forever."
Dennis thinks it over, grumbles about the inconvenience of it all, but relents. "Okay. I wanna wake up in the mornin' with three women in my bed. So just do it! Now leave me alone!"
"So be it," says the genie, who's a little annoyed by this time.
And the very next morning, Dennis awakens to find three women in his bed; Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton. His penis is gone. His leg is broken. And he has no health insurance.
The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to their surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces. They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened.
When they peeked inside the house, the found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.
The wife said, "Do you live here?" "No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there and freed me from that little bottle. I am so grateful," he answered.
The wife said, "Are you a Genie?"
"Oh, why yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, the third I will keep for myself," the man replied. The husband and wife agreed on two wishes...one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for and income of $1,000,000 per year forever.
The Genie nodded and said, "Done!"
The Genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I have made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire."
The husband and wife agreed.
After the Genie and wife were finished, the Genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?" to which she responded, "Three years." The Genie then asked, "How old is your husband?" to which she responded, 31 years old." The Genie then asked, "And he still believes in this Genie stuff?"
After this goes on for two more drinks, the bartender says, "Hey buddy, I don't usually pry into customers' private affairs, but what the heck is it with that little guy?"
The customer replies, "Well, I found a bottle on the beach. When I uncorked it, out popped a genie. He gave me one wish. I asked for a 10-inch prick, and the Genie shrunk my lawyer!"
"Bless Me!" said the golfer, then proceeded to revive the poor little guy.
Upon awakening, the little guy said, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
"I can't take anything from you," The man said "I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly" and walked away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thought "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that any man would want; I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."
A year passed quickly (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer was out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He hit one into the same woods and went off looking for his ball. Just as he found it, he saw the same little guy and asked how he was doing.
"I'm fine," The leprechaun said, "and might I ask how your golf game is?"
"It's great!" The golfer said, "I hit under par every time."
"I did that for you," responded the leprechaun, "And might I ask how your money is holding out?"
"Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill" he replied.
The leprechaun smiled: "I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?"
Now the golfer looked at him a little shyly and said, "Well, maybe once or twice a month."
Floored, the leprechaun stammered, "Once or twice a month?"
The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
The dying man asks for the most opulent spread of food and drink.
POOF! A beautiful oasis appears with the most succulent food and drink. After the man has had a bit to eat and drink and recover his senses he makes his second wish to be wealthy beyond his wildest dreams.
POOF! The man is instantly sitting on an enormous pile of gold coins. The man takes some time to absorb all that was happening as the sun begins to set.
The IRS genie is becoming impatient and begins prodding the man for his final wish. Eventually the man complies and begins by telling his woes with women. His third wish is to always be close to and needed by women.
POOF! The man is turned into a tampon.
The moral of this story: You will never get anything from the IRS without strings attached.[Thanks to John Connors]
Our hero thought carefully before giving his answer: "Man, I'd like to be all white, up-tight, and outa sight." So the genie turned him into a tampon.
The Moral of this story:
Never Do Deals With A Genie,
There's Always Strings Attached
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times."One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I came across this old ruined cottage, and it was getting dark, so I decided to stay overnight.I found an old lamp, and as I wiped some of the dirt off it, a Genie appeared, in the form of a beautiful woman.
She said, "You have released me from centuries of misery, I grant you three wishes."
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger." She nodded, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, "What will be your second wish?" I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make love with you, right here and right now."
She nodded, the cottage turned into a luxurious bedroom ... We made love for hours!
Later, as we lay there next to each other, relaxing after our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"
I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"
"Cor," Billy said. "That's prob'ly one of those Genie lamps wot I keep reading about. Give it a rub and we'll have three wishes or sumfink."
"Hang on a minute," said David. "I've read about these Genies too and they always tries to trick you into having sumfink you don't want. We ought to think about this first."
"Well I know wot I want," Billy said. "I'm going to ask if my body could be covered in Gold so's I can scrape it all off and buy a car and park it right outside my house."
"Yeah," David joined in. "Only I'm going to ask if my body could be covered in platinum, an' then I'm going to buy two cars to park outside my house.
"Well," retorted Johnny. "That is a good idea but you should axe for your body to be covered in hair 'cos my sister's only got a little patch on her and you should see the cars lined up outside my house!"
The genie explaied that he had been trapped in the bottle for thousands of years, and to thank them for releasing him, he was going to grant each a wish.
The African American thought about it, and said "My people have been oppressed in this country for centuries, I wish all my people back in Africa to live in perfect harmony" At which the genie replied "your wish has been granted."
The Jew then said, "My people have also been oppressed throughout the centuries, I wish for all my people to be back in Israel and live in harmony." At which the genie replied "your wish has been granted."
Then the Mexican said "my people have also been oppressed, I wish for my people to be back in Mexico and live in harmony." at which the genie replied "Your wish has been granted."
Then the genie turned to the redneck, who said "I'll just take a glass of water."
Two guys in a locker room after their racquetball game.
One guy notices that the other has a cork in his butt. "If you don't mind my mentioning it", he says, "that cork looks really uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?"
"I can't," laments the first one. "It's permanent"
"I don't understand," says guy two.
First guy says. "I was walking along the beach when I tripped over an oil lamp and a big puff of smoke happened. Then a huge man in a turban came oozing out.
He said, "I am Hassan the genie. I can grant you one wish."
And I said, "No shit!"
When he gets home, he hears a knock on the door and outside there are 20 beautiful naked women. Walking back inside he sees a briefcase sitting on his coffee table. Opening it he see $20 million.
"Wow, my first two wishes have come true!" he yells.
He gets ready to do his thing with the women when he hears another knock on the door. When he opens the door there are two Ku Klux Klan guys.
First, they beat the shit out of him, then they tar and feather him. They take him out back and lynch him. When the KKK guys are sure he is dead, they take their hoods off.
It turns out they are the Genies. The first Genie turns to the second and says, "You know, I can understand his first two wishes, but why would he want to be hung like a black man?"
A cowboy was riding his horse accross his pasture. A snake spooked his horse and bucked the cowboy off. The cowboy cursed at the snake and yelled "Don't bite me!"
The snake said "I'm a genie snake, I won't bite you - bit I will give you three wishes. What would you like me to grant you?"
The cowboy thought for a minute. Then said "A million dollars in the bank."
The snake said, "Granted, next."
Again the cowboy thought. Then said "The most beautiful wife in the world."
The snake said, "Granted, next."
The snake said "Granted" and slithered off.
The cowboy got on his horse and rode home as fast as the horse would take him. He ran into the house and into his bedroom. There stretched across his bed in a sexy negligee was the most beautiful woman in the world.
So he picked up the phone called the bank and asked for his balance. The bank told him he had one million and forty nine dollars. He rushed into the bathroom. Unzipped his pants and let out the most blood curdling cry.
"I forgot I was riding Old Nellie"
One day, about the time of his impeachment, Bill Clinton found a Genie's bottle on the beach. Bill rubbed the bottle and a Genie came out, promising (don't they always?) three wishes.
Bill's first wish was that the scandal had ever happened in the first place. The genie snapped her fingers and none of it had happened.
Bill's second wish was for Hillary not to say too much that might make things worse. The Genie snapped her fingers and Hillary's mouth sealed tight.
For his last wish, Bill Clinton wished for his love handles to disappear. The genie snapped her fingers, and Monica's ears fell off.
A Rolls-Royce pulled up outside a bar. A sad looking man got out, came in and ordered a large Scotch. While the barman pours the drink, a little tiny man crawled out of the mans pocket, climbed up his arm, and sat on his shoulder.
Soon, a beautiful woman cames over and started talking to the man.
Instantly, the little man started insulting the woman; he had a foul mouth, and he nagged her until she shrugged and walked off..
While the man was drinking, the little guy jumps on to the bar, running up and down spilling drinks left right and center.
"Don't worry," said the man, "I'll pay for everone's drinks." He put a thousand dollar bill on the bar.
Women kept coming on to the man, but they never got a chance to get close - the little guy kept running them off.
Finally the bar tender told the man that the little fellow had to go. "He can't, he's always is with me. He goes, I have to go too."
The bar tender asks "What's going on? All these women keep trying to get to you - he insu;ts them, but they keep right on trying. He spills the drinks and you keep buying."
"Well," sighs the man, "I was walking on the beach and found a lamp. It looked kind of interesting, so I tried to clean it up. When I did, out came a Genie. Sure enough I got my three wishes.
"My first wish was to have more money than anyone else in the world; the second thing I wished for was to be irresistable to beautiful women.
"I got both of those wishes, just like that.. I thought and thought about how to use my last wish. I asked for a 12 inch prick"
A golfer, encountering a genie, was granted one wish. The man thought a while and admitted, "I've always been rather, er, small, if you know what I mean; could you make me larger?"
"I understand" said the Genie, "Consider it done"
Continuing his game, the man noticed an immediate change in his "size." Within minutes, it was down to his knee, and by the final hole, it had crept into his sock. After his final putt, the man hurriedly returned to where he'd met the genie.
"Problem?" inquired the Genie. "Yes," the man responded, "Do you think I could trouble you for one more wish?"
"And what might that be?" asked the Genie.
"Could you make my legs a tad longer?"
A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie.
The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything that you want."
The Russian begins thinking, "Well I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka."
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a test and it is the best vodka that he has ever tasted.
The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly."
She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, that it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka that she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.
The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.
Finally, Friday night comes and the Russian tells his wife to grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka.
She gets the glass but asks him "Boris, why do we only need one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle."
|15 February 2017 | sitemap | | | Privacy|