Stages of Drunkeness
Stage 1 - CLEVER
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You KNOW you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And, of course, the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.
Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course you are still CLEVER so, naturally, you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because you are now the BEST LOOKING person in the world.
Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF
You are now ready to
pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you
Stages of Recovery
Stage 1 - STUPID
As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy a flood of sensations only dimly remembered from previous hangovers, such as the pneumatic drill headache, cloying nausea and Guinness/Tetley's/Baileys/[add tipple most consumed the night before].
Next, you realise that you have lost not only several hours of your life but the ability to concentrate on anything. You are now officially STUPID and will probably stay STUPID until you get onto your third bacon sandwich.
Stage 2 - UGLY
Never entirely happy with the comic effects of the bathroom mirror first thing, you are horrified to discover that you have now become even less attractive than you thought previously possible. Not only has the combined effect of the booze and smoky/sweaty atmosphere given you a glorious collection of spots but you've either left your makeup on overnight or are shaking so much that you now look like you've shaved with a sanding block!
Unfortunately you are still too STUPID to know better than to try and shave whilst shaking or to remember the necessary beauty tips to paper over the cracks.
Stage 3 - POOR
Having crawled out of bed and dressed, you are about to shuffle
Rationalising that you couldn't possibly have been that STUPID (as you are usually CLEVER when drunk) and that you would remember being mugged, you come to believe that you were the only one who bought any drinks all night and start to loathe all of humanity.
Stage 4 - MADE OF GLASS
As you are now a STUPID, UGLY and POOR sociopath, you embody most of the characteristics you hate in other people and your self respect plummets. Your already fragile physical condition is made worse by this until you think you are likely to melt or shatter if handled at all roughly.
Stage 5 - CIRCUS FREAK
Tragically, any non-hungover person can spot this condition
and its cause
You are too STUPID to know where to hide and too conspicuously UGLY to get away with it, too POOR to buy alka seltzer and too FRAGILE to hit them.
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