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definitive internet genie joke book
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Whiskey  |  Shipwreck  |  Memories  |  Upon a Star

Whiskey Galore

A man who spent a long, relaxed day with a few friendly bottles was meandering homeward when he saw a man lying half submerged in a ditch. With the courage of several bottles, and no hesitation, our hero jumped in, dragged the man out and shook him thoroughly.

When the man came to, he said "thank you for rescuing me, I'm not a normal man, I'm really a Genie, and the person who released me hit me after making but one wish; you can have the two remaining wishes".

Our man had no difficulty in accepting his good fortune, and thought long and hard for 0.02 seconds. "I'll have a bottle of whiskey that never runs empty" The Genie waved a hand and a full bottle appeared.

Our man took a big gulp or ten, squinted carefully at the bottle and saw that it was still as full as it was when it first appeared. "Wonderfull!!!" he said, "Give me another one of those!!!!!"


Following a moment of inattention by the Captain, a ship sank in the middle of the ocean. Two guys managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before the ship slipped gently below the surface. After floating under blazing heat for six days they ran out of food and water.

On the tenth day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an oil lamp (Oil Lamp, Brass, One. Genies for the use of). They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. Out popped a tired old genie.

"OK, so you freed me from this stupid lamp, yadda, yadda, yadda. But hey, I've been doing this three wishes stuff for a long time now and quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys get only ONE wish and then I'm OUTTA here. Make it a good one".

The first guy, without hesitation or thought blurted out, "Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!!!"

"Fine," said the genie, and with a wave of his hand, the entire ocean turned into beer.

"Great move Einstein!" said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the head. "NOW we're gonna have to pee in the BOAT!"

Memories Are made of This

"All right", said the Genie, "You have just one wish left. Wish wisely"

"I'm sorry?" said the man holding an old brass lamp, "I don't understand"

The Genie sighed. "You rubbed the lamp, releasing me from a thousand years of imprisonment. I was bound to repay that favour by granting you three wishes. Your second wish was to restore things to how they used to be. That is why you have no memory of these things."

As the Genie was speaking, a smile had appeared on the man's face, and grew to stretch from ear to ear. He waited for the Genie to finish speaking, but only just - before shouting his third wish:

"Make me irresistable to women", he said.

"Your wish is my command, Sire. It shall be so." The Genie bowed deeply, and turned to go.

"Wait, wait" called the Irresistable Man, "What was my first wish - the one I asked you to reverse?"

"Your first wish, Sire? Your first wish was as your third."

Wish upon a star?

A guy was walking along the beach in Malibu when he came across this
salt encrusted piece of metal. He scratched away at it to remove
the salt, to reveal a very old oil lamp. With an embarassed look around him, the guy gives it a quick rub ... a Genie appeared.

This genie, like all genies, was so happy to be freed of the lamp
that he granted the guy three wishes.

"I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates," says the guy.

"You will forever be a dollar richer than Bill Gates. What's your second wish?"

"Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made: Fire engine red, on
board GPS and the finest audio system ever installed in an

The genie waved his hand and the requested Egomobile appeared.

But what about the third wish .... "Genie," the guy said, "I can't think of anything now. May I save the third wish for later?"

"Gee, this is most unusual. But you're in control, and I can't escape
from this lamp until you make a third wish. Call me when you're ready,"
and whoosh the genie disappeared back into the lamp.

The guy carefully placed the lamp on the passenger seat of his new car, and fastened the seat belt. He turns on the radio and pulled off the beach, heading south along the Pacific Coast Highway.

Soon he was up to 60, then 70, then 80. The Porsche handled perfectly. The guy was so happy that he began to sing along with the familiar commercial on the radio.

"Oh, I wish I was an Oscar-Mayer Wiener..."

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This site is dedicated
to the memory of
Karen Carpenter
1950 - 1983,
a Genie who never
escaped from the bottle
Karen Carpenter