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Andrew Heenan's 160 Five Star Lightbulb Jokes

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Light Bulb Jokes - A

Cats Lightbulb Joke

How many people does it take
to change a low energy light bulb ?

~ None; That's what research students are for.
~ Five; One to write the grant proposal, one to do the mathematical modeling, one to type the research paper, one to submit the paper for publishing, and one to hire a student to do the work.

~ What answer did you have in mind?

~ Twenty; one to 'phone for an Expert, one to propose a toast to the new bulb. And 18 to say what a lousy bulb the old one was.
~ Two. One to stand on a chair to change it, one to say "I wish I was up there!"
~ One. They don't like to share the spotlight
~ One, but 462 auditioned for the part.

Aerobics instructors
~ Two; one to do it in perfect synchrony(!) while the other one calls "To the left, and to the left, and to the left, and to the left, and take it out, and put it down, and pick it up, and put it in, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right..."

~ Three. One to stand on the ladder, and two to carry enough light bulbs until one is found that isn't defective.

~ All of them; each must do for theirself.

~ Two, and you should've seen the light bulb! It must have been this big!

~ Three. One to change it while the other two argue about how old the old one is.

Art Gallery visitors
~ Two, one to do it and one to say "My four-year old could do better than that".

~ Three. One to hold the bulb and two to turn the universe.
~ None, astronomers prefer the dark.

~ None. Atheists never see the light.

~ One ... two ... three ... any advance on three?

Auto mechanics
~ Three; one to screw in all the bulbs he has until he finds one that fits, one to make sure you get to pay for them all and another to tell you he thinks he'll have to replace the whole socket.

Baby Boomers
~ Eleven; four to talk about how great it is that they've all come together to do this, one to screw it in, one to video it for next year's reunion, one to film it for the news, one to plan a marketing strategy based on it, one to reminisce about mass naked bulb screwings-in in the '60s, one to watch reruns of '50s TV shows, and one to play classic rock.

Backstage crew
~ Eight. One person to get the scaffolding out, erect the scaffolding tower, isolate the power supply, take the blown lamp out, find a replacement, stick it in, reset the fuses, turn the power back on, climb up the tower, refocus the light, take the scaffolding tower down and put it away. The other seven sit in the control room, supervise, and broadcast helpful comments over the tannoy.

Bass Players
Never mind. The keyboard player can do it with his left hand
Six: One to change it, five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light.
Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.
Three! One to hold the bulb and two to drink 'till the room spins.

Bass Players Worth Having
Only one. But good luck trying to find him.

Big black 1 x 4 x 9 monoliths
~ 2001

~ What? And wreck my nails?
~ What's a light bulb?
~ Two; one to get the Diet Cokes out of the fridge and the other to call Daddy.
~ One; but you should've seen the line outside the producer's hotel room.
~ One; she stands on the ladder and waits for the world to revolve around her.
~ None; there's plenty of real men around to do it.

"Blue Peter" presenters
~ Four; one to make a new bulb out of an empty bleach bottle, one to do the changing and one to show you how you can make an interesting Christmas tree ornament out of the old one. And one to stop the baby elephant destroying the TV studio.

Born-again Christians
~ Whoever heard of a born-again Christian who couldn't see the light?

~ None, they like to keep employees in the dark.

~ About one third less than for a regular bulb.

Building subcontractors
~ It takes 47; one to hold the bulb, 46 to turn the house around.

~ 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.

Burger King adverts
~ None. "I can't change my low energy light bulb . But I can change my burger to a Burger King burger."

~ Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.

~ Two; one to change it, one to spray green paint on to the new bulb so no-one bashes it with a big stick.

~ Are you kidding? They won't even change a five dollar bill.

~ Break 'em, yes. Change 'em? No.

Catholic priests
~ Three; one to do it, one to hear his confession and one to give the old bulb last rites.

~ Two; one to do it and one to cross the road.

~ Thousands, because Confucious says many hands make light work.

Chinese Red Guards
~ 1.3.billion - to give the bulb a cultural revolution.

Chinese students
~ Twelve; one to screw in the low energy light bulb , one to sit in the jail because he happened to be on the block, and ten to demonstrate on the streets.

~ Only one. But it takes nine visits.

Christian Fundamentalists

Circus performers
~ Four. One to change the bulb and three to go: "Ta da!"

Climate Change Sceptics
~ None. It's too early to say if the light bulb needs changing.

College students
~ Dunno, I forgot my calculator.

College football players
~ Just one -- and he gets three credits for it!

~ Nobody knows, when the light comes on they all run away.

Computer journalists
~ Fifty-four; Fifty to write boring reviews of all the existing light bulbs, all concluding that Microsoft is best, one to write a remarkably similar review in a broadsheet the next month, another to have a big one come out in a sunday paper paper two months later (by then completely out of date), another to hint in that a completely new and updated bulb is coming out, and the fifty-fourth to report a rumor that the new bulb is shipping with a virus.

Computer programmers
~ Two; one always leaves in the middle of the project.
~ None. That's a hardware function.

~ Three; one to deny that it's gone out, one to say that it's burning more brightly than under any previous Labour government and one to change it while no-one's looking.

Conspiracy theorists
~Thirteen - One to screw it in; three to say he acted alone; one to say that someone hidden in the ceiling helped; one to film it; one to analyze the film and conclude that a) it was tampered with and b) it proves that the first screwer did not act alone; one to insist that the bulb was altered after it was unscrewed; one tramp to walk across the room an hour later; one to blame Fidel Castro; one to fail to assassinate castro; one to insist LBJ really screwed the bulb in; and one to accuse all the others of being disinformation specialists. And don't mention the guy on the grassy knoll on the northwest side of the plaza.

~ I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.

last one out turn off the light last one out turn off the light last one out turn off the light last one out turn off the light last one out turn off the light
Andrew Heenan's 160 Five Star Lightbulb Jokes

AD | About LBJs | L | R | Celebrities
Due To Climate Change, This Site Uses Only LED Light Bulbs.

There are plenty more of these jokes... please help me catch the best.

15 October 2017  |  sitemap   |  | | Privacy